Good-bye February

Since we are one day away from March, I feel it appropriate to say good-bye to February. That is not to say I do not like the month, because it is one of my favorites. It is more of a good-bye to all the funky and weird feelings I had during the month, especially from my last blog post. The uncertainty and feelings of failing myself.

I actively made the decision that March is going to be better than February. I have already have a list of goals to put up on my team's spreadsheet. It is just a matter of waiting for it to be created so I can do so. There is no way I can let myself fail at this point. Being scared is no longer an excuse, it is only an emotion and when it tries to become an excuse I have to be proactive and nip it in the bud. I am in control of my destiny and my body, physically putting food into my mouth.

So some goals for March:

1. Eat 5 fruits/veggies a day
2. Exercise everyday
3. Lose 4.5 lbs
4. 2 weeks of eating beans at one meal

This past weekend I was able to sit down and make up my lunch/dinner menu for the entire month of March. I am totally ready to go and am happy that I know what to expect, all of the thinking is taken out of "what is for dinner?" I am fortunate (in some ways) to eat "my food" by myself because I go by serving sizes so something that has 8 servings will last me 8 days. I am able to stretch food for a long period of time. Fortunately I do not get bored easily or else we would have some serious problems when it came to food choices. All of the recipes for the month are new to me so experimenting will be fun and seeing what I like and do not like.

I have read a few blogs recently, that speak of desire and lack of hope in the possibility of losing weight to be healthier/happier. I have a few questions for you to contemplate and try to answer. 

• What is the real reason you want to lose weight? (For attention or to be healthy?)
• Have you given yourself a fair chance to lose weight? 
• What is stopping you from losing that weight?
• Are you cheating (food wise) without realizing it?
• Is your brain on board for you losing weight?
• Are you allowing enough time for you to make a difference in eating/exercising habits before throwing in the towel?
• Are temptations around you all the time? Why do you give in?

I challenge you to try to answer these questions and then look in the mirror at yourself and respond to those questions. The first thing in being successful is getting your brain to realize that you need to do it because of your health. Some people do not have the opportunity to get a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and even 5th chance to try to fix their weight. They die due to complications of any number of health related weight problems.

Finally, I pose this question to all of you. Are you worth it to be healthy and fit?

I know I am worth it and I am certainly going to prove it to myself during the month of March. 

☺Ashley☺

Mentality

I have been struggling over the past few days mentally with the changes that my body is going through. It is never easy to lose weight especially when you get to a point that you have not been at for over a decade. I know that change is never easy for body and mind. The struggles for me have been mostly mentally. 

Five years ago when I dropped the weight that I had, I got to a point where I was comfortable with my weight and stopped trying to lose weight altogether. Then I gained the weight back. The past few days I have struggled with that mentality that I am at a comfortable weight and I do not want to lose any more. Yet there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that I would be taking the easy way out if I chose to stop and attempt to maintain. I read all of these signs on tumblr about how seeing the results you want is never easy and you need to be uncomfortable to achieve anything.

I am actively letting that nagging feeling grow and come to fruition. I need to step away from the mentality that I am okay and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I do not want to be scared because of the unknowns in the road that lies ahead of me. At the same time I refuse to regret not trying to see who I blossom into physically but also mentally.

I guess that is what my point of this post is. We as losers focus on our weight loss and then when our brain has a second to catch up with the changes it says "What the hell are you doing? Stop doing that!" Yet, it is important to help our brains wrap around the fact that we are changing for the better, because we need to do so for any number of reasons. So many people lose the weight and then gain it back because their mind convinces them that it is okay to cheat once in a while. Then it occurs more and more until before you know it, an additional 20 lbs is added onto the scale. It is crucial that we continue to be aware of what our minds tells us is acceptable and realizing the reality of what we need to do and be aware of our choices.

Another thing I am struggling with is phantom fat. That underlying thought that you have not lost the weight and when you look in the mirror, you fail to see what you look like but instead what you once were. Those feelings that I still look as big as I once did occur often but I have hope that they will go away because every once in a while I catch a glimpse in the mirror of how awesome I look. It helps to take pictures along the journey to see the changes and know that I look fabulous.

I just have to be patient with two things to catch up with my weight loss: my mind and skin. 

☺Ashley☺

Posture

I had the fortunate experience of being told that my posture absolutely sucks. It was said in relatively nicer words but I totally got the hint that I really need to work on improving my posture. The Wii fit was also yelling at me that I am "unbalanced". It finally clicked that the reason my middle back is always hurting is not because I need to lose weight but because my posture is out of whack and really needs to sorted out quickly. Due to me standing predominantly on my right leg, I also see the possibility of having hip issues in the future if things are not fixes and quickly.

What I find interesting is posture says a lot about who you are  as a person. It is the first thing people see before you open your mouth to talk to them. There is a silent form of communication that our brains pick up and we can instantly tell if a person is having a good day/bad day, confident/insecure just by the way they carry themselves and their posture.

Between standing and sitting, the latter is where we run into the most trouble. This is especially true since we have become such a digital age where we are sitting in front of the computer so often. With the screen being in front of us, we tend to lean forward with our head and neck and then our spine follows to bring about a curvature in the spine. Have you seen some of the older woman who have a hump in their back or lean forward all the time? Well, you better believe we will see more people like that because of the way we sit in front of the computer unless we consciously correct ourselves. It is very hard to be aware of your posture no matter what your doing and try to actively correct it.

I am one day in to actively checking my posture and it is incredibly annoying. My only hope is that it will get easier and my back will not hurt as often once I correct the issues. It is certainly a work in progress though like anything in life. I am aware of my crappy posture and must work to improve it.

I am providing some sites that you may find interesting to look at. The first is about why posture is important and gives some good analogies. The second are some easy exercises that you can do to help improve that posture.

☺Ashley☺

Happy Birthday

So tomorrow marks the start of another year, one in which I am 23.  Normally I am not so gung-ho or excited about it but this year is different for me. This year, I am actually excited to celebrate with people and I have planned a simple day with friends of mine because that is what I wanted. 

I have learned over the past few years not to expect/anticipate anything because you only set yourself up to be disappointed in the long run. So, that is the attitude I have taken, not just for my birthday but for any day of the year. This way when something unexpected happens that is good, I can be thoroughly surprised and relish in the fact that it was unanticipated. 

When I turned 18, I decided that there would no longer be any 'family' parties. I wanted to chose who I wanted to celebrate my birthday with and I always HATE going out and having the wait staff sing Happy Birthday to me. So every year, I pick who I want to celebrate my birthday with. The past two years was with my priest at college and some friends. We would go out and get ice cream. Yes, I know it is the middle of winter but for those of you who know me know that I LOVE ice cream at any time of the year. This year I am spending it with two friends of mine who I have grown close to and am starting to really find myself with them. Just being around them, they have influenced my life in such a positive way that it was obvious who I wanted to hang out with this year.

This year also marks the almost end of a 10 year chapter where my weight was above 213 lbs. I am proud to say that after weighing in this morning I am below that number and am no longer the weight I was in 8th grade. I am moving to bigger and better things by getting healthier and working out. The next year of my life gives me so many new opportunities each and every day that I am going to grab it and go. I will be able to get into Onederland (May 18th) for the first time since I was 12. What a huge accomplishment that will be when I get there and can say, yes I did it!!

I also had a non scale victory that I wanted to share. My sister bought skinny jeans from American Eagle that are a size 18. She is unable to wear them so she gave them to me. At the time I was unable to wear them so I decided to put them in my pile of 'too small but I will fit into them eventually'. Well this morning, after having my confidence boosted with the numbers on the scale, I decided to try them on for size and see if I had a chance of wearing them. Well, they FIT!!! That is right, I am wearing American Eagle pants!! I never in a million years thought I would be able to wear something and I feel like the coolest person in the world right now. Especially because I was half hoping that they would fit.

Since I will be at my friends this weekend I will not be on the computer so thought I would post. Have a wonderful weekend to all my friends! Hope you had a nice Valentine's Day with your loved ones!!

☺Ashley☺

The Decision to Try

One of the hardest things I find myself doing is trying something new. It is not so much that I hate change but the fact that it takes forever to either get used to it be patient enough to wait for the results. There is the factor of the unknown for the future. What will happen down the road if I begin and continue that something new. For me, it is weight lifting. 

Between last night and today today while waiting for the blizzard Nemo (which will be hitting the Northeast tonight) to start weight lifting early. I was planning on waiting until Lent, Wednesday to begin with the task of weight lifting. Last night I went to Zumba and was looking at myself in the mirror. I could not believe I was looking at myself because I looked so different. My hair was curly, I had a cute pink top on that showed off my curves and black pants. In my honest opinion I looked absolutely amazing. I feel even better than that, I felt fantastic! It was one of those many realizations I have which come and go that I am such a different person than I was when I started this journey. My body has changed a lot to which I almost do not recognize myself at times. 

I am still wrapping my brain around the possibility of A. not seeing results quickly and B. the chance of gaining weight temporarily. I feel like I am at such a fragile state right now with my weight that I am constantly worried about doing something different in my routine to cause me to start gaining the weight back. That would be totally overwhelming and not to mention cause me anxiety. I have worked so hard to get where I am and to see the number on the scale to creep up would be devastating. 

You know what though? Today I made a tough decision, to try weight lifting. I am giving myself the opportunity to see what my body is capable of doing and to push myself to evolve and change into a physically fit person. That is not an easy or small task. This is going to require a lot of motivation on my part to take the time to weight lift without seeing results right away. I am half way to my weight loss goal and it is my time, my opportunity to mix things up and to really push. 

Guess what? I am going to go for it. Not because it is the right thing to do but because I need to try. I need to try for my health and for my future. I will hate it at times but I need to keep my mind focused that this is what I need to do for me. Plus we all have little hiccups in our roads and if I gain a bit of weight back, it is minor and I just have to keep at it. The weight cannot stay on forever, especially when you are eating well and exercising.

I decided to give everyone some current stats and updated pictures. Who does not love a progress photo?

Beginning weight: 258 lbs

Current weight: 213 lbs

Target weight: 158 lbs

Beginning BMI: 41.6

Current BMI: 34.4

Target BMI: 25.5

There you have it. I could stand to bump my target weight down a bit so it may happen when I get closer. However, I am happy right now with shooting for a nice number like 100 lbs as my target weight to lose. What a difference shedding those 100 lbs will be in the long run.

What are you holding back on trying in your life? Maybe it is something silly but you give yourself all the reasons in the world NOT to try. You have an opportunity each and every morning to change your life in sometimes small and big ways. Making the decision to try is the first step in accomplishing more than you can imagine.

☺Ashley☺

Annoyed

I am finding myself annoyed with society in general for the lack of compassion and need for bullies and people who like to walk all over people. What gives a person the right to treat others with indecency and lack of respect? What gives a person the right to bully another person into something that is not meant for that person? What gives a person the right to beat up on another person to make them feel inadequate or less than another person? The truth is, I have a general answer to most of these questions but it does not the questions any easier or help understand why society is disgraceful.

Our 'norms' of society have led people to believe that if you are not one certain way then you are not good enough. You are below everyone else and therefore should be treated that way. The extra 30 lbs of fat a person carries on their body means the difference between someone talking to you or someone making fun of you for your appearance. It is as if those 30 lbs are a stigma attached and a constant reminder that yes, a person is different and therefore should be treated as such. 

Many people are out for their own gains. They chose to walk over others without giving a second thought to the feelings of others and what they make bring to society/world in which they live in. As a child, I had a role model who taught me so much and I really grew as a child and now as a young women. Yet I found out that bullying led her to make her decision to retire. Is it fair? Absolutely not. The bullies always win. No power struggle will ever give the underdog the chance to flourish and to do what they are good at. So many talented people walk away from professions that play on their natural God given gifts. Why? Because of bullying and people looking out for only themselves.

I find the picture I posted on this blog to be so true. As children we grow up to find our own selves; individuality and personality. Yet, we get bullied and harassed for finding who we are as individuals and trying to live as we want and sometimes that means going against society and their 'norms'. This inhibits our ability to continue to grow and learn about who we are and in turn our self-esteem drops. No longer do we feel like we have figured out who we want to be. All of that gets dropped, we question and then hate ourselves for daring to be different.

I realize that society will continue to work as it always has but it is still frustrating that no matter how hard you try to rise about all the bullying/harassment/intimidation, the victim seems to always get hurt in the long term. It stinks.

☻Ashley☻

Personal Challenge

When I started my journey to being healthy almost 8 months ago, I knew I had to make a change. I was not sure what type of change I was looking for but I knew that I needed to make it to be a healthier person and change my self-esteem and view of who I am as an individual. 

I have gotten into a routine over the past few months. I am doing Zumba three times a week and counting the calories I am eating, whatever that may be. However, I am beginning to feel stuck, not that the weight is not coming off, it is but I am feeling like I need a new change within my healthy living lifestyle. 

There is no perfect a time than a major event within my church calendar year; Lent. Since I became Catholic three years ago, I have given up the same items within my diet; ice cream, soda, desserts. It is so easy to not think about what I am going to give up but am beginning to think I can do more with Lent. I remind myself that Lent is only 40 days so it is not a major commitment and whatever I do plan to remove from my diet, I can always add it back in if I am unhappy. Yet there are so many possibilities of foods that I could remove from my healthy lifestyle to make it that much more productive and meaningful. 

Having pondered what to do over the past few days I keep coming back to one part of my diet that I can eliminate; frozen processed foods. I am addicted to french fries, ice cream and chicken patties. They are all quick and easy things to pull out especially when I am running late or am on the go (usually Monday-Thursday every week). I am thinking that this could be a positive change for me, getting away from the frozen processed food and moving towards meals that I make. However, there are two exceptions I will make; frozen vegetables and meat that was put in the freezer so it wouldn't go bad. 

I think that it is an appropriate thing to give up for Lent. It will be a big challenge for me, one that will be tough at first but I know that I can do it. I have to do it, for me, my health and to show myself that when given a challenge I can face it head on and win.

Lent 2013:
Eliminating:

• frozen food
• Ice cream
• soda

Incorporating:

• Weight lifting
• Bible reading
• Read at least 2 books on health/food

My ultimate goal: Get my BMI down to 33 and my weight to 205 lbs by Easter Sunday, March 31st.

☺ Ashley ☺

The Scale Said What?!

I began weight watchers 10 years ago at the age of 13 weighing an astounding 213 lbs or there about. In the years since, and two tries at getting my weight back in check, I have never once hit that number or close enough to it. For the first time in 10 years I am proud to announce that I have once again hit that weight number!! It has been a long hard journey but I have gotten there and am motivated more so than ever to keep kicking this extra weight to the curb.

I am ready for a new chapter in my life. I am ready for the new healthy changes. For the first time in a long time, I am not scared of going into Onederland. I am excited to see that number on the scale. I cannot be afraid of what lies on the other side because nothing is certain. I had once worried about how men would treat me once I became "thin", but I have come to realize no matter what weight I am at, a guy will be inappropriate and it is not my fault, it is theirs. It is all they know and what they have been taught, or lack of class as I like to say. I cannot let fear hold me back from my future, from what I may look like. Every day I look in the mirror and I can see how beautiful I am becoming just in my face. Tonight I decided to wear my hair in natural curls and put it in a pony tail, wore pearl earrings, eye shadow and eye liner. I felt so pretty and saw it for the first time in a long time.

I think that losing weight is so difficult for so many because we are humans are afraid of change. It does not matter whether it is good or not, it is scare due to the "unknown". So to compensate, we push things off or try for only so long, fail and decide that it is too hard or it must be you that did something wrong. Then the mentality repeats and we feel like failures and do not try to figure out why we failed in the first place.

Have you taken a step back to reassess what you want in life? Have you ever failed at something and never tried again? Reflect and try to find the underlying issue, the reason you failed in the first place. There is always a reason whether subconscious or not, it is still a reason. Resolve that issue, by yourself or with a confidant. As the saying goes, if you fail try try again.

So what is stopping you from trying again and succeeding?

☺ Ashley ☺