Silent Suffering

We all have things we struggle with in life that can be internal and external. We freely share out external struggles but the internal have us suffering silently because for whatever reason, we are unable to share and talk with others. I have struggled with this for years and finally just this past weekend, I began the process of talking about it so that I can stop my silent suffering.

My secret you ask? Binge eating. 

Now it is out for all the world to know. I am a binge eater. I have had 3 bouts of it over the past 5 years and it has come back to hit for the 3rd time just this past month. It sucks and I struggle for a long time to get it under control and move on with my life.

What does it look like for me? Basically, I eat over my calorie budget, more than I should. I cheat on anything you can imagine. When I cheat, I hide from people in the house so that I do not feel *as* guilty since no one knows what I have eaten but me. I did it this past weekend at my friends house. I had a few extra calories and wanted something sweet for dessert. So in addition to hot chocolate, I ate 1/6 apple crumb pie AND 1/6 pumpkin pie. Does not sound so bad right? Except I was shoveling it in while standing in the kitchen making sure no one heard me or saw me. 

Every time I binge eat, my mind tells me "No, do not do it!" Yet I still manage to pile in the food. I get into a mindset that I have to eat the food now or else I will never get to have it again after that point. Which seems ridiculous right? I mean, I could make brownies 2 months from now and they would still be the same. I cannot wrap my mind around it so the safest thing for me to do is eat it while it is sitting in front of me.

I do feel guilty afterwards, but not guilty enough to be active and do better the next day. January has been a month FULL of cheating. Which is the reason why I had gained about 10 lbs back but am now on the verge of losing it again. I have lost about 4 lbs in the past week with trying to be proactive with my eating.

Where do I go from here? Well, I know that I need to take it a day at a time and focus on what I am doing at the moment. I also need to plan meals so that I can have ample of them so I do not feel cheated out of eating and I need to change up what I am preparing with desserts. I have to get my will power back in check so that this issue does not consume me and that I can continue on the healthy journey I have worked so hard to be on.

It is tough, but I will get there. One day at a time, one choice at a time.

Big Training News

I decided that this year is going to be my year with exercise and trying new things. I have signed up for my 1st ever 1/2 marathon in Philadelphia. I will be running on March 30th and I cannot wait to get out there and push myself to see how far I can go. 

Having just got back from a cruise last Sunday, I jumped on the wagon and started training for the marathon. I also combined the running training with Shaun T25 to get me through the next 16 weeks. 

This past week I nailed my running schedule and I am looking forward to continuing it. So my plans for this week are as follows:

Sunday: 3 mile run

Monday: 4 mile run/Alpha Cardio

Tuesday: 4 mile run/ Alpha Total Body

Wednesday: Alpha Speed 1.0

Thursday: 3 mile run/Alpha Cardio

Friday: 4 mile run/ Alpha Lower Focus

Saturday: Alpha Ab Intervals

I also made some yummy meals for the week:

Breakfast: Broccoli Egg Muffin

Lunch: 2 Bean Vegetable Chili/ Garlic Parmesan Meatballs

Dinner: Chicken with Spinach and Tomato

Have a great week everyone!

My Newest Hobby

I love picking up new hobbies to add to my list of things to do when I am not working, going to the gym or finishing up graduate classes. 2013 brought me a new hobby thanks to my friend Arlene; crocheting. I was taught over a cleaning weekend in Cape May and since then I have been crocheting like crazy. I love trying to new patterns to see what I can come up with. Since starting afghans, I have decided that I will not ever use the same pattern so each one is unique.

My first crochet project EVER. 

Left picture-Cape May while learning to crochet. 

Right picture- my first finished project; a scarf.

Then I started on to a few more projects. 

Left picture: my new summer purse.

Right picture: beanie cap made for a pre-teen on retreat with me

 

Left: My cousin had a baby so it is a baby afghan with hood

Right: First afghan for myself

 

Crochet is great for Christmas gifts too!!

Left: Afghan for my grandma

Right: Afghan for my friends Ed and Sue

 

Left: Infinity Scarf for my older sister

Right: Another scarf for my sister

I have made 6 altogether

 

Left: 1 of 2 Pokeball hats made; one for my nephew and the other for his cousin

Right: Teddy bear made for my other nephew

someone ordered a bear from me! So cool!

This afghan is my current project that I just finished. It will be going to a woman in a nursing home that I have spoken to a few times. She needs something bright and cheery. 

Goals for 2014

Some people set goals daily, monthly, long term or a combination of the three. It all depends on who the person is and what best suits their own life. Personally, I am better with a long term goal and then monthly goals to help me get there.

My goal has and will continue to be to wear size 10 pants and weigh about 150 lbs. My eyes are set there and I am determined to get there one way or another.

This past year has been filled with so many great accomplishments of goals that I did not realize I even had. Over the past year I have lost an additional 40 lbs!! That means I am just shy of 30 lbs to goal. I have tried a large number of foods that I have lost track of, but many of which have been incorporated into my own diet.

I have gotten my personal training certification and am helping not only myself but others in the goal of getting healthy and fit. 

What are my goals for 2014? 

◙ Hit goal weight

◙ Run 1/2 marathon

◙ Get spinning certification

◙ Follow workout routine for 3 months

◙ Inspire others
◙ Teach children how to exercise and have fun

Funny enough, last night I had a dream that I hit goal weight and I was happy where I was. The emotions of getting there was so overwhelming and filled with so much joy that I was crying. Not only in my dream but I woke up crying. This has reaffirmed that I will be able to hit my goal, and I can experience that joy and happiness.

These are my goals for 2014, they are big but all of them are attainable. Lots of great stuff going on that I am looking forward to. What goals are you setting up for yourself for the upcoming year?

Welcome 2014

I LOVE New Years Eve. Being from New York, I always feel a sense of pride and ownership with the ball dropping in New York City. There is also something so special about singing Frank Sinatra's, New York Theme Song.

Reflecting on this past year, I have had such a wonderful year with so many great things that happened. 

Running 3 5k's, and placing in one race

Putting volunteering to it's max

Starting a Beach body program

Obtaining Personal Training Certification

Trying countless new foods

Lost over 50 inches off my body

Lost 40 lbs this year

Left: Jan 2013

Right: December 2013

All wonderful things and now I am ready to bring on 2014. I am so excited to be part of a supportive group on Loseit! and we are starting up a new 4 month challenge. We had a 3 month challenge that really pushed me to do new things and reflect on what I had done in the past and how to make positive changes.

My plans for 2014:

Continue to be healthy

Try new exercises 

Hit goal weight

Make SMART goals
Run 12 runs this year including:

1/2 marathon, 15K, 10K

I am looking forward to 2014! Make sure as we ring in the New Year to keep your resolutions realistic so that you can achieve them and be part of the 8% of people who succeed in their resolutions! 

Happy New Year!!