Step by Step

Some days the hole I try to climb out of is too hard and I slip and fall back into it. The hole is a black pit where the light is just not visible and I wonder if it is even worth it to try to find that light. Yet, I keep fighting and keep the torch going because I know the light is there, I have seen it and have been so close. It has been within fingers reach and I slipped back into that hole, not as determined to get out as I was the first time. But I am making a conscious effort.

I have been lying to myself for the past 6 months with 'logging' my food even though I know that I have been eating other things from what I have logged and the calorie count has been higher than I have wanted to admit. I love all food and I have a hard time staying away from the things I know are bad for me. 

I am finally realizing that I need to take control of my eating habits and find myself again. Climb out of this ugly hole so that I can live life fully without feeling trapped. So here I am opening myself up to the ugly truth but also trying to change things around. I want to make a list of roses (good) and thorns (bad). The hope is to recognize the good things and work on the not so good.

Rose: Tracked everything the past 2 days and ate under budget.
Thorn: Not exercising

Here is to continuing my success of tracking and working on working out more often.

100 Days to Weight Loss Motivational

Things are finally starting to look up with my eating. I finally got my first real workout this morning and it felt awesome! I definitely need to do more workouts with Turbo Fire.

So I bought the book called '100 Days of Weight Loss'. Every day you read 1 page and then do the activity that it asks you to do. I have gotten through 2 days and I really like the book so far.

Day 1: I used to be that way... The goal is to identify your fears and write them down. Fears tend to be negative so the goal is to change them into something more positive. So you turn your fears into something positive with this... I used to...... but now....

Day 2: Interested or committed.... Most people chose interested as their way of doing weight loss. They do it when it is convenient but once a night out or event around food, all of the regiment and routine goes out the window. You say to yourself 'just this one time' and then you become a repeat offender of that excuse. 

The other type of person is the committed type. This is the type of person who does not budge when there is temptation.

I am the interested person and am planning to actively work on being a committed person. The hardest part of being committed is the unplanned food in the teachers room and I cannot say no. I start today, making better decisions and saying 'no' when it comes to the food that is not planned in my menu. I need to be committed, to take back my life.

Whole, happy and healthy

The lies and deceit running through your head,

tell their story without any words.

The silent story with which has unfolded,

Around your waist line and impulsivity.

The days are not long ago that you were worse off,

But the days were also not long ago when you were better.

You long for the days when you were better,

And dread these days when things are getting bad.

Battle after battle, you fight and try.

Some you win but most you lose.

The lies in your head tell you one side,

While your heart aches to tell the other side.

Yet, you give up on your heart and listen to your head.

Where does that get you?

To the days of being bad, where nothing seemed right,

Your vision so blurred and unclear that you had no fight.

Fighting is worth it, you just need to find it.

That spark, that vision, that motivation.

It once was there, raging inside of you,

Helping you along to feel those better days.

Here you sit crying for your spark to come back,

While your demons and thoughts run through your head.

The cake, cookies, chocolate and lies,

You just want to grab it and take it and pretend no one sees.

The ones that care about you, they do see,

They make a mental note to bring up to you later,

Everything you eat is on display for the world to see.

That doesn't stop you, the euphoria of food is too good.

The media attention scrutinizes the fat,

You hate your body because you are fat.

Yet you wish that your food addiction left,

So you could feel whole, happy and healthy again.

You cry for the body you wish you had,

The one you were robbed of at such a young age.

The extra fat, the extra skin never goes away,

The scars to remind you of where you have been.